Superman’s Girl Friend, Lois Lane #1 (1958)
Written by Otto Binder
Artwork by Kurt Schaffenberger
Chef’s Note: There is so much going on here it’s hard to know where to begin. Guess we’ll just start from the top and work our way down.
What’s on the menu at Dick’s Diner now that Super-Chef Lois Lane has taken over? Along with super-charred Super Steak there’s also Super Schnitzel w/ SuperKrautz, Superstrami, Super Soup, Superburger… I’m sensing a theme here but I can’t quite place my finger on it.
A bit of a rewind and we encounter Lois in her perpetual super swoon. She overhears the very debonair Mr. Romance dispensing advice while casually chomping on a chicken drumstick at his desk: The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.*
Lois first thinks of simply asking Superman over for dinner. But that would be too obvious! Why not take a leave from work and become a short order cook with no experience at all! That won’t seem obvious even slightly because it’s completely bonkers instead.
Luckily, getting jobs in the past was quite easy. All you needed to do was take down the Help Wanted sign from the window and bring it inside and then they had to hire you. It was the law!
Lois eventually lures Supes into the diner for a meal, but then the first super mishap occurs. Can we ask please: how does Superman, of all people, “unwittingly” burn the Super Steak? Not to mention how does his X-ray vision melt a train track, burn the steak, but not melt the oven? In any case, really not Lois’ fault, but he lets her think it is anyway.
Then we have the pancake situation, which actually turns out pretty good overall. Still, somehow Superman was not aware that he had used all the batter, despite having taken over as cook. I’m thinking he needs to get his vision checked.
Lastly we have the Super Sundae, which features a very intriguing flavor combination: we’ve got Blueberry, which is always tasty, but then we also get Red flavor ice cream, and Yellow flavor ice cream! Two of my favorites!
Which is then ruined by Superman deciding that hurling red hot crockery across the city makes more sense than simply flying over to stop the killer icicle. Again, I’m concerned about Superman’s state of mind here. He seems very confused. He follows this up by deciding outer space is the best place to refreeze melted ice cream.
Confusion then reaches a fever pitch with his concern over fingerprints left on a salt shaker? Does Clark put salt on his pie? What about the silverware, the countertop, every single item on his desk next to hers at the Daily Planet? And because it would be too obvious to simply wipe off the shaker, I’ll just eat it instead. That will definitely allay any suspicions. WTH.
Lastly, the cherry on the top: Clark assuring us that the “I love you” message was because Lois helped Dick Morgan and that’s it – wink wink.
* The evolution of this saying appears to be almost as indirect as the route to a man’s heart. The American statesman John Adams wrote in a letter , ‘The shortest road to men’s hearts is down their throats,’ and some years later Richard Ford’s ‘A Handbook for Travellers in Spain’ advised, ‘The way to many an honest heart lies through the belly.’ A few years later, Miss Mulock observed in ‘John Halifax, Gentleman’ that the stomach was the way to an Englishman’s heart. Fifteen years after that, the writer Fanny Fern broadened the idea to include all men in ‘Willis Parton’ (c. 1872), rendering the saying in its current form.
— Wise Words and Wives’ Tales: The Origins, Meanings and Time-Honored Wisdom of Proverbs and Folk Sayings Olde and New; by Stuart Flexner and Doris Flexner (Avon Books, New York, 1993).